A Moment for Forgiveness

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When you haven’t forgiven those who’ve hurt you, you turn your back against your future. When you do forgive, you start walking forward.

I constantly struggle with forgiveness; I always try to scramble off as fast as I can to avoid all heartache. I try to forget what has been done, and hope that my pain will eventually dissolve with time. I’m starting to feel that time doesn’t cure all wounds.

I’ll say outloud that I’ve forgiven someone, but in my heart the heartache and pain still will linger -It’s bullshit false forgiveness. I’ll try to convince myself that holding on will remind me to keep my guard, and not allow the same mistakes happen. I’m only holding on to the pain and memories by not seeking forgivness.  

This has led me to pay the price over and over by bringing anger/pain into every new experience. I sometimes feel I’ve become so wrapped up in the bitterness that I can’t enjoy the present. I don’t want to be owned by this.

The path toward peace feels so difficult -Everything I read on the matter says it’s not a quick fix. That it is changing your ways of thinking. People don’t usually admit to being wrong, -but still when someone does, does the feeling that I was “right” help me forgive? No.

I’ve read that reconciliation, however, is not always possible. I’m okay with walking away -Forgiveness doesn’t mean I have to reconcile with someone who has treated me badly.

A promise to myself;

Staring now, I want to consciously make the decision to seperate myself from the painful memories of the past. I want to keep my mind and heart open to joy around me. I accept this is a commitment to the process of change -I no no longer want to see myself as the helpless victim. I will allow myself to take control of my life. I want to be able to let go of personal grudges – I no longer want to define myself by them. I will no longer be what others have made me feel.